18 May 2008 Madison, Wisconsin – Delphic Newswire
The US Commerce Department reported today that production of lame excuses surged to an all-time high in April as millions of Americans manufactured billions of reasons to do absolutely nothing themselves to avert global warming, stop wars for oil, or prevent sprawl, obesity, isolation, and physical atrophia. Surprisingly, even places like Wisconsin’s Dane County – known for its self-righteous proclamations of progressive leadership – rank well above average in per-capita output of pathetic evasions.
“Soccer mom” Sue Viego from the Ravenoaks country estate subdivision ten miles south of Madison offered a typical justification. “Hey, get off my case! My little Justin needs to play soccer just like all the other normal kids. I need to drive him to practice and games, and it takes a big vehicle like my Ford Excursion to keep him safe from all the idiot drivers out there.”
Gwen Emitmoore of Verona noted that she bought a “whole bunch” of compact fluorescent light bulbs when they were on sale more than a year ago, but hasn’t had the time to install them yet. “It’s dark and depressing with the curtains and shades drawn; I like to leave the lights and TV on to cheer me up. Anyway, why should I be forced to conserve? There are plenty of people who use more than me!”
Joe Sechsgepaecken from the Town of Burke on Madison's north side was surprised to hear that his family wasn’t making progress. “Mildred wanted a new fridge, so we got one of them energy efficient models. Naturally I moved the old fridge to the shop – I keep beer in it now. What do you mean our electric went UP? Ain’t I done everything I’m supposed to?”
William Heifen-Aetname from Monroe Street in Madison represents one of the few people who are choosing to act. “I put a big ‘No War/No Warming’ bumper sticker on my Subaru, right next the “Coexist” sticker, and I’m driving all over to make sure people see it. I park at the front door everywhere I go – then everybody has to walk by and read it when they come in from the parking lot.”